The past few months have been extremely difficult for me. Someone has said that you never know how much you believe in something until it becomes a matter of life and death to you. Everyone’s faith is severely tested at some point or the other, even Jesus wasn’t spared from that trial. And so I had a desert experience of my own. Satan continuously tempted me to fall from the level of holiness God desires from us and I kept falling into the trap and giving in. I felt like the Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Romans,
“For I endorse and delight in the Law of God in my inmost self [with my new nature]. But I discern in my bodily members [in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh] a different law (rule of action) at war against the law of my mind (my reason) and making me a prisoner to the law of sin that dwells in my bodily organs [in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh].O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death? O thank God! [He will!] through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One) our Lord! So then indeed I, of myself with the mind and heart, serve the Law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.” (Romans 7: 22-25, Amplified Bible)
I became quite disgusted with myself for my inability to resist the desires of the flesh which I know were wrong. 
Now, if you know you are sinful person and you continue to commit one sin after and another, it doesn’t bother you that much. But when you are a born again child of God and are striving to live a righteous life and then you realize that you keep committing the same sins over and over again it is quite irritating. (the words in proverbs 26:11 are quite disturbing “As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly”). Confused and burdened with my misery, I needed to hear from God. And as always God spoke, not directly, but through a book. I was re-reading C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity, recently, and came to this:
“We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity-like perfect charity-will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God’s help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask for forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again.
For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the other hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.”
C.S Lewis further says,
“God knows our situation; He will not judge us as if we had no difficulties to overcome. What matters is the sincerity and the perseverance of our will to overcome them.”
It was so encouraging to read this and know immediately that God is telling you something, it left me overwhelmed. Ok, honestly, my problem was not perseverance, it was self dependence. I had prayed to God to help me in this area of my life a thousand times but I realized that I wasn’t really depending on Him. I too, had an illusion about myself, the illusion that I did not have a problem with that particular sin. And when I myself proved me wrong, I thought I could overcome it myself. I would pray for his help, yet depend on my own will-power/self-control to deliver me which, of course, would fail me every time. And all throughout this experience God was teaching me to depend on Him, to realize, that it is His grace and mercy that sustains us from falling and not our own efforts. God was teaching me to ‘Be still, and know that I am God’(Psalms 46:10). I recently read a poster saying “Sometimes God clams the storm.. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child”. I find this to be very true. Has the storm clamed in my life, no, i don’t think it will till we get to heaven with our bodies transformed, but I have learned to trust God more. To depend on His strength and not my own in the everyday battles of Christian Life. To really believe in the words of the famous hymn “T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...and Grace will lead us home.”
The standards of Christian life are unattainable in our own strength, and any attempts at them in our own strength always fall short. Only God could foresee our hopelessness and since He loved us too much to leave us like this, He sent His son to pay the price of our freedom from bondage to sin.
For some people total dependence on God is quite easy, for others, like me, it is sometimes very difficult. But thank God, in His great love for me, He does not spare the rod, and uses it when necessary to get me on the right path. To remind me every now and then, when I get my head too high, that indeed I am nothing without Him.
I know that temptations would continue to come, but I also know that the river of love, grace and forgiveness will also continue to flow, always.
